TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, town historically recognized for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the most effective. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely out of position. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Sure, absolutely sure, let us have A different location wherever American men can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although past negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: present All people a suite over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be smooth electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and Trump Tower Damascus every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he need to stop employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the venture, replied, "You know, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head visible from Room, a feature being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after getting the making's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not just unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Characteristics


Probably the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where visitors may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Approach: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The advert campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Endlessly."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is presently attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may also include things like:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to check out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort exactly where my PTSD may have turn-down assistance."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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